August 12 2016
In a stunning rebuke to Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s statement that President Obama and Hillary Clinton are the real founders of ISIS, Muhammad Muhammad Muhammad Omar Smith has filed a defamation suit against the New York real estate developer.
Posting on an ISIS Twitter account the known terrorist tweeted:
“We will take action against such lies by the Great Satan Trump. Obama and Clinton did not participate in the founding of our organization. Neither has exhibited enough of our particular brand of evil and we resent the implication that they are even capable of such feats” #SueTrump”
Later in a interview with CNN, after being asked by host Don Lemon if this were indeed true, the terrorist responded angrily through an interpreter saying – ” we cannot effectively run our terror group if people believe that a pacifist such as Obama had anything to do with us. And Hillary????!!!! Don’t even get me going. We’d never want to associate with someone with such sloppy emails practices”
Later adding, “Don, you have no idea how hard we work on our brand – Dump Trump!!”
A Trump spokesman had no comment.
“Bremain” voters determined to protest results of “Brexit” by remaining seated across the country.
Leaders of the British electorate who favored remaining in the EU have spoken with their- um – “arses”.
After losing the vote to remain part of the European Union – “Brexit” – these voters were not willing to accept the outcome and decided to do something about it.
Even after the Prime minister David Cameron decided to step down, these bold voters decided to stay. They have chosen to sit in throughout their entire country.
Taking a page from the recent “sit in” over a vote in the US congress, the leaders of this movement claim they will sit wherever it takes to protest these results.
“We’re GOING to ‘just sit here’, until our will is implemented”. Said a leader of the movement Nigel Redbottom, a strong supporter of the EU, at a “sit in” around his breakfast nook.
“It doesn’t matter what the “people” have said. They are clearly wrong and we are not going to allow a majority of the country to make decisions for us.”
Invoking the famous lines of Winston Churchhill he said “We will sit and sit and sit. We shall go on to the end, we shall sit on the seas and oceans, we shall sit with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall sit on our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall sit on the beaches, we sit on the landing grounds,we shall sit in the fields and in the streets, we shall sit in the hills; we shall never surrender….”
In sympathy, US politicians offered to lock arms across the ocean and sing a chorus or two of “We shall over come” while waving the Union Jack.
It was unclear if David Cameron – who resigned after the vote- would be spending time sitting with the groups, but hinted at his participation by sitting at his office desk after his announcement.
New text hints that Muslim opposition to Crusaders couldn’t say “Radical Christianity” either
Archaeologists uncover text hinting that Muslim general Zangi, governor of Mosul, in 1044 AD, attributed his losses at the hands of the Crusaders to his inability to say the term “Radical Christianity”
Recent text uncovered at a dig site in modern day Syria by Dr. Rocco DeSefredi University of Birmingham, indicates that politics may have been very similar a thousand years ago. It appears that history may indeed be repeating itself. Dr. DeSefredi relays the amazing find that seems to indicate the Muslim ruler opposing the Crusaders had a problem uttering the phrase “Radical Christianity”.
“We have uncovered an amazing scroll that depicts the history of this era – starting in roughly 1044 A.D. This would’ve been when the Crusades were first beginning.” The text highlights and describes some of the internal issues that Muslim leaders were dealing with in regards to the Crusaders.
In one fascinating passage the writer describes how a Lieutenant under General Zangi had criticized his tactics “this Lieutenant appears to have been a surrogate of general Zangi’s , And he was responding to criticism from an allied camp that general Zangi was unable to order the term “radical Christianity” DeSefredi continued.
In later chapters the general appears to confirm these criticisms according to DeSefredi. “We believe we have a deathbed confession from the general, recorded by a scribe where he laments his inability to identify the enemy. Considering how things ended up he was probably right. I just find it fascinating that the same discussions were having today we had over 1000 years ago.”
Adult Gorillas Forced to Euthanize Human to Save Three Month Old Gorilla
(Kigali Rawanda) After a casual walk in their mountain enclave, immediately after a light lunch of bamboo stalks and termites a group of Highland Gorillas encountered group of American tourists wearing “Trump 2016” hats. While the tourists were calmly taking pictures a loud group of anti-Trump protesters descended from the tree tops and began shouting and chanting “Trump Go Home!”. The protesters began throwing feces and shouting epithets at which point 3 month old baby gorilla Mojojo left his mothers embrace and fell among the angry humans.
After witnessing the seething range directed at the Trump hat wearers – the adult gorillas retreated to their thick under brush enclave. However baby gorilla Mojojo had broken away from his parents out of curiosity and was suddenly in the midst of the human imbroglio. His parents watched in horror as the baby gorilla was bounced back and forth between activists and Trump supporters. He was tackled and stepped on while shrill screams of “die you 1%er” were blasted into his young ears.
Thinking quickly, a group of adult gorillas quickly descended on melee and beat the protesters to death and retrieved young Mojojo.
SpokesGorilla “Muuranu” or “Knuckles” as he is more commonly known, made a statement regarding the extreme response through his human interpreter: ‘Ugga Ugga Uubuuga” and then scratched the tick out of his left armpit and ate it. Which was interpreted as “we could not allow our young child to be indoctrinated in such a manner. This was a macro aggression! Since we are all Trump supporters, we say “Make the Jungle Great Again”.
No charges have been filled yet, but Sean Penn was heard to be in transit to mediate.
Beloved Cartoon -“Fat Albert” AKA Albert Jefferson – Levels Abuse Charges Against His Own Creator
In a stunning betrayal, joining the sixteen women who have publicly accused comedian Bill Cosby, 77, of sexually assaulting them, new allegations of abuse have emerged from his own 70’s cartoon character “Fat Albert” -AKA Albert Johnson.
Albert, reached at an single residence ink stand near the Paramount lot in Hollywood spoke a length about the abuse he took from his own creator. Saying he was drawn with his pants unbuttoned, down around his ankles and in suggestive poses with co stars Mush Mouth, Rudy and Bucky, Albert relayed the years of struggle he has had to endure because of this abuse.
He shared the following, “Our theme song was ‘We’ll have some fun now, with Bill and all the gang. Learning from each other, while we do our thing’. Well, Bill had some fun with me and he did HIS thing!!!”
Later pointing out, “I know that Bill wasn’t writin all of the script’s but when he did, he sometimes he’d put a little somethin somthin in the ink. Then’d I’d wake up all discombobulated and stuff. I know that we was supposed to be talkin about school and doin the right thing and all that, but I always felt kinda funny after he’d be done with me.”
Albert continued “One time I was s’posed to be in a scene about bullies and he put me in a pink dress and it that wasn’t pretty. That part got cut, and I don’t know what happened, but I’ll tell ya I really felt part of da Junkyard gang after that”.
After the Washington Post announced it had interviewed a Playboy Playmate and other women, Albert agreed to speak on the record and to have his identity revealed.
“I been tryin to move forward after all these years. Back then as a teenage cartoon, I didn’t know no better. I thought that if this gets me a spot on the “Simpsons” I’d say we’re even!!”
Mr. Cosby has refused to comment in a recent interview, to which Albert simply uttered his trademark “Hey Hey Hey!!!”
March 18 2014
In the first real test of his resolve as Commander and Chief, President Barack Obama did not wait long to fire the first retaliatory strike against Russia. Speaking after Russian President Putin announced the effective takeover of the Crimea, the US President announced an immediate tit for tat in that US forces would soon be taking control of Cuba in response to last weekend’s moves.
The President began “I’ve always been a fan of the Monroe Doctrine and the establishment of US influence over the entire Western Hemisphere. AND Everyone’s been complaining about my so called ‘Imperial Presidency’ so it’s about time to make that a reality”.
He then added “Bring it!”
He concluded that “I’ve tried to give Mr. Putin a chance to find a diplomatic way out of the mess in the Ukraine, but he just couldn’t restrain himself. If he can take small meaningless land masses for himself, so can we!!”
Adding with force and special emphasis, “Now it’s our move. We believe there are plenty of people in Cuba who would would rather be American citizens too, so we plan on sending a fact finding mission of 20 Armed divisions down there to find out”.
Off mic he was overheard saying to the President of the Ukraine “You can tell Vlad , ‘its your turn lets see what you got!”. Tell him to keep it up and next we’ll take Nova Scotia!”
After a scandalous picture of what many Senators thought was Janet Yellen, several are now crying foul.
“We thought that picture was the woman we were voting for! This is clearly a bait and switch.” said one senior staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “The narrative was that she would continue the ‘stimulation’ that’s been initiated by Chairman Bernanke. Not many of us have ever seen her before and this picture was the only one we knew.”
“The real Yellen wont be stimulating any animal spirits to borrow or invest anytime soon.” Retorted a senior Senator from a Southern State. “Were getting Susy Orman when we wanted Kim Kardashian with a check book! This is no fair!” He added.
“Maybe this was her 50 years ago, but its surely not her today!”
No one seemed to know where the picture emerged from but sources close the the administration aren’t giving anything up.
A tight lipped Jay Carney simply scratched his new beard and said ” sometimes people will go out of their way to chase something they want, rather than the real thing.”